Borrowed from Heaven Pt.3

And so it came to the day when I received a news of a friend who will be moving to the UK with his wife. We had a WhatsApp group chat and quickly arranged for a reunion. Two could not make it though but there were other seniors who attended. It kind of came at the right moment when my morning sickness started to fade. To me it was good news since the reunion was arranged at one of my favorite restaurant where we frequented during our first job days. We had a quick chat since the seniors can only spare an hour of lunch break. We wished him and his wife all the best on their new journey and hope that we can come and visit them soon.

On my way back, I made a quick stop at my second job's office in Petaling Jaya to return a friend's casserole dish from my housewarming dinner a few months ago. It was not a quick stop after all. Most of the people I worked with waved me over to their workstation and we exchanged pleasantries. How life is treating us and a little bit of office gossips here and there. The big bosses were away - I was thankful since I did not plan to answer any question of "considering to come back and work here?". 

It felt great being able to get out of the house and meet people. Don't get me wrong. I looooove meeting people. Too bad my last job killed my faith in humanity. We'll probably get to that story sometime later.

I managed to reach home before the husband does and since I need to rush for my evening prayers, I decided to take a quick shower. That was when I saw it. That brown dot on the liners. Ha. Probably nothing. Probably because I was too tired from the long walk from parking lot to the restaurant or up the flight of stairs at my old office. I quickly brush away any worry and wait for the husband to come home. That was a Thursday. Even if I said the morning sickness has gone, no doubt it is still there. The uneasiness, the bloated feeling. But just a little.

SATURDAY

We were in Shah Alam for lunch with the in laws. Had nasi Arab and that was like the only solid food I had in weeks. Upon reaching home and preparing for prayer, I saw more than a dot of brown discharge. We tried not to panic and went to see a doctor. An ultrasound was done. There was no heartbeat. The doctor suggested that I see my current doctor and sent me away with a note. 

MONDAY

Tried to set up an appointment with my specialist but she is currently unavailable and I only want female doctor.

TUESDAY

Finally able to see my specialist. An ultrasound was done. No heartbeat present and no flow observed. Sent down to the lab for a blood test and was told, there are rare cases where the heartbeat is absent and came back strong in 14th or even 16th week of pregnancy. Today was my 12th week of pregnancy.

WEDNESDAY

There it is again. I Googled it up but most of the findings says a little staining is normal. Besides, it was never the color of blood red. Always brown or pale yellow. I called up the hospital and was told the results are not in yet and they told me to hang in there.

THURSDAY

Nothing happened. Sigh of relief?

FRIDAY

I actually felt better today. Let's cook up something nice for the husband. Again I called the hospital to follow up on my lab results. The calls went unanswered. We had our dinner and catch up on a TV series before his futsal session. He did asked if I wanted to come along and I said no, I could use more sleep time before the baby arrived. He kissed me on the forehead and left the house.

FRIDAY 2300hrs

As I was getting ready for my night prayers, a visit to the toilet is a must. I wonder how pregnant ladies handle these multiple visits to the toilet everyday/every hour - and I am only just a few weeks into pregnancy. Jack climbed into bed, and I left for the bathroom. I cannot tell you how I can actually feel my heart stopped when  I saw the amount of blood I saw that night. I tried not to panic and reach for the toilet storage to find a pad. Suddenly I heard Jack scratching the door trying to get in. I opened the door and told him not to panic. Let's call Reza and see if he picks up. Jack was restless and I kept telling him to calm down. It was as if he knows something is off. The phone rang until it went to voicemail. Guess the game has already started. I tried a neighbor across the street, kakak too did not answer. I tried another number and kakak picked up. Told her what happened. Now my heart is back. I felt it thump so quickly I might faint. Kakak said she dare not drive Reza's red car. Lucky enough, a few abangs were outside smoking and chatting. One abang Jo was kind enough to notice something wrong and whisk us into his car. 

SATURDAY 0000hrs

The first hospital stop would not accept me reason being the pregnancy is still "too early" and they are not "properly equipped". I was advised to see my current doctor all the way in KL.We reached the A&E entrance and the triage nurse quickly check for my vitals. I was then wheeled in to the "orange category" beds. I was left alone. Across was another couple with their young child. I heard coughing and the whimpers of a boy next to me. I overheard his conversation with the doctor. Apparently his ears got burnt while using his handphone while the device is plugged in to charge. There was a mention of the charger not being "original" and posts on Facebook about such incidents.

SATURDAY 0015hrs

A doctor finally came to see me accompanied by a nurse. He asked the usual question of how are you and what are you in for. He paused after I said "no heartbeat and no flow observed". He pats me on my hand and said he waited 8 years before his wife told him they're finally having a baby. Told me to just relax (no I cannot do that when you try to twist and turn to get the needles in), while he call my specialist. Chances are she will only come in to see me in the morning and another nurse will show me to my room since they want me to stay overnight for observation. I was getting sleepy. All I could do was to recite some Ya-sin. I decided to text on my family's WhatsApp group to tell them not to panic but I'm in the emergency room yada yada. Please say a prayer for me.

SATURDAY 0100hrs

I heard familiar footsteps rushing to my bed. True enough, Reza pulled the curtain apart. Wearing that worried look on his face. All he could say was "I'm sorry I'm sorry". We hugged. Me saying "It's okay, I'm fine". Trying to avoid moving the needle stuck on my wrist too much. We hold hands. 

"I came as soon as I can. I was in a rush to get back to you so I left my phone in the bag and drove home only to find Jack answering the door and meowing like crazy. That was when I thought of checking the phone. There was a lot of missed calls from the abang-abangs,"

"How is Jack? "

"Sounds like he was mad at me,"

"I hope he's okay. I left some food for him before I left. I can tell they're going to keep me here a little longer,"

We finally settled into my room at 0130hrs. I got the menara rebung view. It was cosy and cold. There was an extra bed for Reza to crash on. The nurse left with instructions to let her know whenever I change my pads.

I can't recall when or how did I fall asleep. 

to be continued....

Borrowed from Heaven Pt.2

Let's pick this up where we left off last month.

Being pregnant is not easy. Like, seriously. Some people say "oh how beautiful, you have that pregnancy glow,". That my friend, will not come around until probably second trimester or never, for some. I am a full-time housewife since August 2014. Which means I get to melayan loya at home. I found out that I was pregnant in June/July. It was hard to keep it a secret. A colleague of mine figured it out but I told her to kept it a secret. By this time I have already downloaded an app to monitor the baby's growth and read up on preparations and what I should/shouldn't be eating.

How does my day look like?

I'll wake up early in the morning for Subuh prayers and then send off the husband with hugs and kisses at the door. But first, waking up is a bit of a challenge. Sedar-sedar bukak mata je dah rasa bilik macam berpusing. If you have motion sickness, try getting on a roller coaster (tak payah jauh, corkscrew kat Genting pun boleh), and the feeling after you immediately get off the carriage tu, itulah rasa loya + pening that I felt - everyday, all the time.

Since I'm not supposed to move so much yet, so I will bring all the pillows and blankets downstairs and park myself in front of the tv. Lepas tu try to boil water la konon nak cuba minum susu Anmum tu kan. Everything tastes yucky. Jarang-jarang ada food yang sedap for me at that moment. Tapi gagahkan jugak untuk minum dan makan sebab nak baby sihat kan?

By 10 am dah rasa penat balik and I'll take a nap before lunch. Lunch time pulak, by 6th week tu I have figured out apa yang sedap and tak meloyakan for me. The answer is Bologna Spaghetti. Makanya, hari-hari, itulah lunch menu. Towards the evening, the loya hilang sikit so bolehlah masak untuk husband berbuka puasa. Lepas berbuka je perut terus kembung balik. Even husband commented dia tak pernah tengok perut I kembung keras macam tu. He has been so kind (probably kesian kot tengok I lembik melepek je all the time), offered me massages and hugs and selalu nasihatkan untuk sabar. Cuba jugak tarawih sendiri kat rumah, slow-slow sebab food rasa macam nak terkeluar balik everytime sujud / ruku'. Haha!

Jack pulak, its as if he knows there's something going on with me. Dia jadi super manja. He won't leave me alone. Walaupun dia pergi keluar kejap main-main, and I will sneak upstairs to take a shower, dia akan datang balik mengiau depan pintu toilet just to make sure I'm ok. Confirm dia akan tunggu depan pintu toilet tu sampai I habis mandi. Sweet kan?

Both our parents tak tau lagi that I'm pregnant sebenarnya. Bila dah nak dekat raya tu baru kitorg bagitau his parents dulu over iftar - just one week before raya. Hehe. Dialognya:

Mama Reza:"That's all karipap satu je? Why aren't you eating?"
Me:"oh, takpe. Later can eat again. Not feeling well,"
Mama Reza:"not feeling well? ok,"
(a moment of silence with me and husband smiling at each other)
Reza:"the reason she's not feeling well is because she's expecting,"

His parents were very very happy. His papa terus angkat tangan berdoa. Rasa macam nak nangis pulak time tu. I blame this on the raging hormones. Haha!

My mummy pulak, since she knows I'm not working dah, she often calls just to check in on me. Bila ditanya sihat ke tak, I will say tak sihat sangat, probably flu virus going around. Reason being, everytime mummy call, I tak larat nak borak lama. I know its not nice to tipu but I really want to surprise her with the news once I see her in the flesh.

So the flight back to hometown was a disaster. I memang ada motion sickness. Jadi bila tambah pregnancy sickness jadi double sickness. Sabar jela. Sepanjang 2 hours flight, mentos la jadi makanan ruji ye. The stewardess was kind enough to offer me a pillow and blanket. Mungkin nampak sangat sakit dan pucat kot when I boarded the plane. This is where I would like to thank Malaysia Airlines for their Malaysian Hospitality. Steward and stewardesses semua alert dengan passengers. Bravo! Always the favorite carrier. Too bad flight balik was too expensive and we had to choose the alternate (read: reduced leg space + stiff plane seats + overpriced onboard food).

Once dah touch down, waited for luggage and walked through the arrival hall. First person yang dicari ialah mummy and daddy.

Mummy:"Alhamdulillah dah sampe. How was the flight? Mabuk plane lagi?"
Me:"alhamdulillah. Ah yes, yes. Mabuk plane. (pause sekejap) uhm, and also mabuk lain,"
Mummy + Daddy:" really? Alhamdulillah ya Allah. Let's talk more in the car. Come come!"

Time tu daddy peluk Reza, lain macam. Macam lepas kitorang akad nikah two years ago.

to be continued....

Borrowed from Heaven Pt.1

Oh. Abandoned writing for a bit again.

A lot has happened since the last post.

Ok. Nak start macam mana ya?

Last post, kira macam dah announce pregnant kan at the end of the post? This post ada lagi satu kejutan.

I was well into my 11th week of pregnancy. The morning sickness was really crazy. Good thing I quit my job and stayed at home. Jadinya bolehlah baring dan melayan loya yang super duper tu. Weird thing is tak vomit pun. Boleh kira, dua kali je vomit. Even then that was because rasa loya habis masa kumur mulut time berwudhu. Most of the time just pening, and changes to the physique I guess. Saying goodbye to my jeans yang saiz 25 tu. The bright side of it, bolehlah actually let them go dah and buy some proper loose clothing.

I went for checkups kat klinik kesihatan je. First scan was when I first went to see a doctor for confirmation pregnant ke tak. Mungkin boleh share sikit pengalaman dapat tahu pregnant sini kan?

Time tu kerja lagi. Awal Ramadhan. Tapi tahun ni rasa pelik sangat. Tahun lepas puasa jugak tapi taklah rasa penat sangat macam ni. Memandangkan sahur awal, jadi husband and I pun bertolak awal to the office. Sampai je office confirm rasa penat habis dan nak tido. Good thing I have my own room so boleh kunci pintu dan off lampu untuk nap bawah meja beralaskan sejadah. Sejam atleast. Kalau bangun lagi awal sikit dari tu confirm pening lagi. Sampai lunch, ngantuk lagi. So ok, mungkin penat sebab dahlah puasa, and this year husband and I dah move to our own place so naturally I memang akan masak for berbuka / sahur. So lunch hour was spend taking a nap again. Since we clock in early in the morning, we get to leave the office earlier. Sampai je rumah pun tido lagi before masak / berbuka.

Constantly having the urge to pass urine. Seriously? Mana datang semua air ni? Rasanya tak minum banyak sangat masa berbuka sebab lepas tu kan nak tarawih. Takpelah. Maybe this year the body is trying to detox itself. Tapi dah sampai tahap annoying dah bila tengah malam pun have to drag myself out of bed twice or three times just to relieve myself. That one night, it hit me! Ok, when was I supposed to expect my menses? Terus ambil handphone and check. Oops, I'm late. Tapi tak mungkin jugak sebab before this when I'm super stressed out at the office, confirm menses pun jadi tak teratur. So a few days late up to a week is pretty normal if you were to ask any doctor. Time tu terfikir pasal pregnancy test yang memang I simpan dalam almari. But its so late at night. Takpelah, esok boleh kot. I went back to bed.

First thing in the morning, of course lah kan rasa macam nak meletup je perut ni tahan kencing. I thought of last night. Ok. Even if the result is negative again, at least I can proceed to check why this constant visit to the toilet. Tip-toed to the toilet. It was very early on a Saturday morning. Husband was still sleeping, probably worn-out from futsal session the night before. Read the instructions carefully, then clock out 2 minutes countdown. That was when I see it, the line darkens. Macam tak percaya. Before this memang dah takda perasaan dah. But this time, its real. Tapi it could be false positive kan? (impression di sini ialah pregnancy test murah from drug store. hakhak!) Its so early. Tak sure pun 7-Eleven dah bukak ke belum. But with shaky hands, I changed and told husband I need to go out.

"Sayang, nak pergi kedai dulu boleh sebab nak beli barang,"
"Hmm? Nak beli apa?"
"Uhm,, Cili and some other stuff,"
"(angguk kepala mata still tertutup) Tapi kan puasa? Tunggu petang nanti lah kita pergi bazaar sama2,"
"Takpe, kejap je. Please? Tido balik eh. I love you,"
"(muffled I love you too)"

Satu hal pulak kereta besar tu park depan, So with shaky hands drive la awal pagi dengan misi mencari home pregnancy test. Bought two boxes - just to be sure. Balik and test lagi. And there it is again! That dark colored line. Bergetar2 tangan. Tapi the first thing to do is to tell husband.

"Sayang... sayang bangun... please... kejap je.."

When he opened his eyes, I showed him the stick. He squinted a bit. Then said
"Oh, tengah fertile ke? (yes, ada home test kit untuk pinpoint two most fertile day during your cycle ok)"

I shook my head and said look again. This time he didn't move. Just stared at the stick, and then at me. Then the most wonderful thing happened. His tears started to flow. He hugged me. I was still shaking with the stick in my hand. Lama dia peluk. Allahuakbar. Then he said we must not get ahead of ourselves. Bertenang dulu.

We got up and got some breakfast. Time seem to slow down that morning. We enjoyed the day with bright sun shining into the living room. Serene. For once, I felt a sliver of hope. Husband smiling sweetly at me. Jack playing around the house. The weekend went great.

to be continued....

My first post - reviving my writing days

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum

Its been - what, like 6 years now since the last time i poured my heart out on the net? So much has happened in that 6 years.

I got my first job just two months out of graduation. (I finally graduated yeay!) I recalled failing one paper and was praying so hard i could finish within the 3 years.

Right, my first job. I actually interviewed back in the uni. I do not have much of memory of the interview though. Bits and fragments of it. But i do remember the guy who interviewed me. He was my supervisor at work. Cool mentor i can say. The job brought me places. Places i never thought i would ever imagine to go to. Furthest north driving alone was for a project in Sik, Kedah (just a few kilometers from the Malaysia-Thai border). Ordered my dinner in Malay but got served by a Thai waiter. He got my order right - nasib baik. Didn't expect it was very good too! Furthest down south is in JB. I frequently traveled to Johor to during my second job.

I stayed for about a year and a half, before receiving a text from a former classmate. He said the offer is good and it could be something new that i might be interested to work on. I asked around and observed for a bit. Some people stayed in their position for years, the job has become a bit mundane but the travelling is not. I got to know a few cool friends too even if they were in different department. We stayed friends till now. One of them is moving off to UK to accompany his wife there. Just had a mini farewell lunch for him. Those days we talked about where are we going to be in years to come. I guess he will be spending bloody good time in Bedford. Haha!

So yea, I accepted the challenge. Went for the 2 hour long interview. Got the job and made the move. Was a bit sad as im about to leave the first place where i got my first pay. It wasn't much but they taught me alot. Had i not have the courage to move here to the Peninsular, I wouldn't have travelled all states except for Perlis. Like seriously.

My second job was a bit of a challenge too. Keeping my skin fair was never an option for my first two job. I was sent out to the field. Probably why I decided to accept the offer, I get to be outdoors. People say you're a girl, why do you want to jemur2 kat luar. To me, that is when i feel free. Not to say that my dad is being overprotective (he was and still is), but growing up, I guess my dad loves us too much to see us get hurt. So much for being anak Shell la kan. Swimming pun tak pandai. Reason - tak nak mati lemas dalam kolam renang. (facepalm).

My second job ni, the fields are limited sikit based on business location. But I can say that I enjoy the  drive down south to Johor the most. 4 hours of driving - yes, Myvi i slow helped me get away from the hustle and bustle of the big city. Yes i work here, i shouldnt complain. Tapi deep down, i crave for the serene and laid back feeling i get when i'm back in my hometown. One particular site is all the way in hutan. Just a few minutes drive from kL. And another favorite, one of the furthest north is located by the sea. Once i drove back to kL carrying fresh udang and ketam in the car, just in time to reach a colleague's house to have it cooked and served for dinner. Yum. ok. tengah malam pun rasa lapar lagi. We'll get to that part probably some time in this post or the next one. And same goes, I got to know a few people who are dear to me sampai sekarang. We have Whatsapp groupchat ok!

I didnt stay long too in the job. Reason being, I was transfered, reported to someone else and i just lost interest. Parent's health wasn't great either. I was at a point in my life (ye, midlife crisis starts early for me), where I need to just stop everything. Like everything. I quit the job and decided to just take a break.

Was not very proud of myself at that time. I'd say its the lowest point in my life. Ah, tak nak cerita yang sedih2 lah kan? 

Its....12.03am. Hubby is sleeping soundly. Jack (my tuxedo cat) is also sleeping soundly despite already spending the whole day napping around the house - sometimes in funny places like in the shower.

I feel content. I dont have everything I want in life, but I feel that I have everything I need for now.

Burped, farted. A reminder that there's a cute little (guy/girl) growing inside. Just another week till first trimester ends - and so does all the loya and headaches - i hope.

Oops, got too carried away typing. Let's keep some of the stories to be told another day.

Xoxo,

Anne

p/s: pardon my typos. its inconsistent. just like me. :P