Borrowed from Heaven Pt.4

"Fitri, good morning. How are you today?"

I tried opening my eyes. The sun was shining bright through the curtain folds. Dr. A came in to check up on me. I sat up and smiled. Husband just got up and was sitting down, probably still groggy. It was all fuzzy when she started explaining about the blood test result from the night before. One of the first sentence that registered was "you are currently going through a threatened miscarriage....." And then the words started to fade away again. I made it through some not-so-foreign vocabs like 'progesterone levels declining', 'POC', and etc. I was quiet and but it didn't take that long for the whole thing to sink in and I realize this is not a dream.

"I have two options for you and I would like you to listen to it carefully before we decide on the next step. Since your body is already doing most of the work, Option 1 is to let it take its natural course and check up on you about a week or two later. I will send you home with painkillers, just in case."

"Option 2 is we can just wheel you in by today and have it all removed and help you clean it. It will be a half-day procedure and you can also go home at the end of the day. But considering your current condition, we want you to know we have other concerns to be considered,"

"I personally prefer kalau you go with the first option tadi tu sebab it is less invasive. Although it will take a long time, tapi it can help you preserve the natural state of your body and we can work on more once you are completely healthy and ready nanti. But I leave it up to you and your husband to decide,"

I told Dr. A, we did our own reading lately and we feel that the best option is indeed the first one. She smiled and say good call, rang the nurse and ordered whatever prescription needed. She also arranged for me to stay for two more days just to monitor my condition. 

Friends and family came to visit. Thank you sangat korang. Antara yang visit of course lah mak dan ayah mertua. Kakak ipar dan bakal abang ipar. Bakal abang ipar ni kelakar sikit sebab dia bukan from around here. Still trying to learn our customs and what not. Rasanya dia tak sengaja or tak tahu (aku tak sure), after everyone else peluk aku, dia join sekali peluk and said how sorry he is with our loss. Aku plak membatu je sebab tak sempat nak stop him plak dah. Takpela. Nampak dia sedih sebab aku tau dia ni penyayang jugak. (clue: dia suka kucing. okbai). Husband plak takde time dia datang tu because he went out to buy food. Boleh pulak kan aku time duduk hospital macam ni, nak jugak makan doughnut starbucks tu. So husband keluar la pergi beli and help me pack some stuff (change of clothes etc etc from home). Ok, yang boikot starbucks bagai, you have no say in this part. This is a side story altogether. Ko nak ceramah aku, buat time lain.

Antara yang visit plak, budak office lama aku. Dua ekor budak. Sekor tu dah jadi mak budak and sekor lagi tu bujang trang-tang-tang. Mak budak bagi chocolates plak and si bujang tu, aku ckp takyah buat apa, korang datang ni pun dah cukup baik dah.

Sorang lagi, budak yang aku rapat kat office dulu. Sanggup dia datang drive sorang jumpa aku sebab husband dia keje weekend. Itu satu hal, yang aku risau sangat dia datang jumpa aku ni, sebab dia tu tengah memboyot. Pregnant 5-6 bulan kot time tu tapi perut dah besar. I told her jaga diri elok-elok. Jaga makan bagai. We said our goodbyes lepas maghrib sebab aku paksa dia balik. Dah gelap. By the time this entry was written, dia dah give birth dah. Anak lelaki. Syukur alhamdulillah and I'm very happy for her. Cumanya tak pergi lawat dia lagi.

Yang melawat lagi, jiran aku dari kecik dulu. Dua orang. Kakak dengan husband dia, and adik dengan boyfriend dia. Diorang duduk jauh pun datang jugak lawat aku sebab found out from my parents. Haih. Ni yang malas ni nak bagitau orang aku sakit sebab aku rasa bersalah diorang datang jauh-jauh nak lawat aku. But I'm still grateful they did.

Yang melawat lagi, bestfriend husband kat office. Wife dia pun tengah pregnant jugak. Haritu kitorang ada pergi pre-natal class sama-sama. By the time korang baca entry ni, dia pun dah melahirkan anak pompuan. Tengah confinement kat Kedah. So husband dia merajinkan diri lah go fly and visit every weekend.

Ni je antara orang yang tau / sempat melawat aku sebab pregnancy ni aku tak share dengan ramai orang. Sebab ada jugak baca, usually when you're halfway through (lepas je first trimester) barula announce kat orang sebab quite common jugak, you know, things like this happened and you announced it too early then lepas tu announce bad news plak we lost the baby etc etc. So yeah.

Reason orang dapat tau pun:

1. They asked me out and aku tak larat nak keluar, or

2. Alasan #1 diatas dah tak laku and they threaten to come and see me so aku terpaksa bagitahu.

But thanks sangat la untuk yang datang jumpa aku. During the visits tu aku borak macam biasa je dengan diorang. Gelak bagai. Nampak la time masuk and salam tu diorang macam....tak tau nak cakap apa and the mood was sombre semacam. Bila aku dah start gelak tu baru diorang can open up and borak dengan rancaknya.

Monday.

A nurse wheeled me out of my ward towards the specialist clinic. I was never put on a wheelchair so that was an experience altogether. Going through the main hall and seeing how other people look at you. Pelik betul perasaan dia. Rasa helpless sikit. I was third in line to see Dr. A. She referred me to Dr. Idora for further assessment, sent me off and wish me well.

It was when the assessment with Dr. Idora lah yang dia jumpa, that small cyst. I could not remember the exact measurement but it was probably somewhere between 4x2cm? She said since I'm going for the first option, I should just go home and come see her once the POC is out.

We drove back in silence. Jauh jugak rasanya dari KL-Seremban onto MEX and onto Putrajaya exit tu in silence. Husband did not let his hand go and kept it tightly wrapped around mine. Once in a while dia akan kiss my hand. But I still kept to myself. Obviously lah tak tahu nak cakap apa. Kalau dengan orang lain, I can just blab my way out. But with him, with him lah, I am myself. Dengan mengamuk aku, dengan merajuk aku, dengan panas baran aku, dengan cerewet aku, dengan bebelan aku, dia tetap sabar. Dia tetap senyum layan aku. Emo jap.

Sampai je rumah, Jack dah bising-bising depan pintu. Risau agaknya I've been gone for 3 days. Fed him and layan la kerenah dia kejap. Then rasa ngantuk. Naiklah tangga slowly kan. Pastu tertido. Kadang rasa bersyukur sangat husband ni tak banyak kerenah. Pandai je dia uruskan diri dia time aku tengah mcm ni. 

The few days after tu rasa fuzzy jugak. I dont remember much about being awake, what was talked about, what time did I slept, woke up etc etc. Husband tanya, should he take days off and accompany me at home? I said takyah la, bukan buat apa pun. I can manage on my own. So he went back to work. Aku kuatkan kudrat untuk prepare sendiri lunch yang simple-simple. Mummy plak dah kirimkan ubat segala for me untuk start my pantang. Rupanya pantang untuk miscarriage ni sama jugak macam pantang orang bersalin. Mummy and daddy tanya should they come and visit sebab worried. Aku cakap tak payah lah. Susahkan diorang je. (Sebenarnya, to be honest la kan, aku tak reti orang jaga aku. I feel helpless. Sama macam time kena duduk atas wheelchair sedangkan aku boleh je jalan sendiri). Aku lagi suka jaga diri sendiri and I dont like people feeling sorry for me. But dont get me wrong ya, it does felt good to be taken care of once in a while. Cumanya time ni aku macam masih ego plak.

Nak dijadikan cerita pulak, the next weekend, company husband buat family day trip tau pergi Kuantan. Husband cakap tak payah la pergi sebab I should be resting. Bila aku fikir-fikir lagi, hm, pergi je lah. I told him it would be a great getaway. Kebetulan cuti Malaysia Day kan so cam tak boleh nak buat apa sangat pun. So we went. 

We left Jack with my childhood neighbour tadi tu and took off for Kuantan. Aku dengan "berpantangnya", pakaila stoking and baju tebal and what not supaya tak "masuk angin" la kan. Pesan orang tua-tua supaya karang tak meroyan. Okla, ikut la although I could not find any scientific relation to tak pakai stoking will masuk angin. But na'uzubillahiminzalik, tak nak la meroyan / sakit kan. Kata tadi tak nak orang susah jaga. So, yes madam! Saya akan berpantang dengan jayanya.

Leaving the ever so busy city behind and staring at the car's side-mirror, in the back of my mind, whatever that just happened, still felt like a dream. Perhaps I can just chuck / will it away just like all the other memories that I refuse to remember / acknowledge. 

Off we go. On the highway. Moving forward.